Just believe

From "Believe" by Staind

Believe in me

I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me

Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

With this powerful lyrics, I will introduce my blog anew. As I sat out to become a blogger, it was with the strong encouragement of an person in my past. It was founded and started at a point in my life, where I was in turmoil. I still am in turmoil, but now the end of these chapters come to a closing.

The first ever blog post was a confused, young husband,  whom tried to make good of his promise to his wife. I am really a shamed of it, in the rear view mirror, But I wouldn't change it. It is, as with many of my other experience, the ground of my personality. I wrote it ad a time, where confusion and self created chaos was ever present.

This blog, is the end to the beginning of my new found life. I plan to write about my experiences, as going from being a minor doubtful member of the LDS and single, to more doubtful member and in a relationship, then led to a marriages and shortly after leaving the LDS church. I have then have the Idea, that I would like to tell my story about how feeling split into pierces and trying to redefine your self, while trying to lead a marriages life. The study and then in the end the final tip of the ICEBERG which gives me new life, that I am trying to live for the first time, according to my own conscience and peace of mind. I hope, that who ever read this, might find some recognizing of their own experiences, but hopefully not to many.

I invite you ind, to join up with me, on a trip that shock mt foundation, that got me split, torn, twisted, fried, bend and hopefully in the future mended

As for closing off, this my first set of hopefully many blogs, I will re-quote the previous song from Staind 

Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I am meant to believe in a higher deity, and mine is of the Christian faith, I am meant to believe in my own powers, I am meant to believe in my family, I am meant to believe in my friends and I am meant to chase dreams and catch them

Enjoy the Music & thanks for reading 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5cvzrKrcgA&list=RDUgXOeYd8Urw
  
"Believe" by Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you
And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don't meet
In the dreams that I live through

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

All the smiles you had to fake
And all the shit you had to take
Just to lead us here again
I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Its my life
Its my choice
Hear my words
Hear my voice
And just believe

I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
And all I think about is you

If you believe in me
Life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
This life is not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams

WHAT the HECK IS GOING ON??

Today I managed to create a monster out of myself!!! More then once in, before in my life, I have messed up so bad as today? I was Sitting with my wife and we are talking about issue pertaining to my old religion. Now I had for a longer brief moment, a struggle of concience of between the loyalty of an old strange religion, and on the other the loyalty towards my wedding vows and my Wife. Not for the first time have I miss used my loyalty to defend and speak for my old religion. To clearify things even more so. My old religion is Mormonisme, I have drop mormoanisme for more then 4 months, which largely can be contribute to my Wife, who through her strength has shared her feelings with me, so that I could strengthen the resulution and decision that I had already made up in my mind before.

But I live in a world not of this, I have been living inside a buble for more then 27 years, and paid some sort of loyalty to a relgious group, but the, when requrired to uphold any obligation towards my wife, I seem to take them light heartily, in comparision to certain vows and promises that I gave to a being which I considered God.

Now, yet again, by my own stupidity, I am to be held responsibel for another mistrusted and miss succesful situation with my wife...... ALL BECAUSE A FREAKING RELIGION TELLS ME PUT PUT MY TRUST IN THEIR "KNOWLEDGABLE" JUDGEMENT. I am sick and Tired that every time things are slowly working out, I DRAG it right down again, and what is the reasons?

Proof A: Mormonisme govern your life, to meet their purposes. they threaten you with eternal damnation and hells unquenchable fire
Proof B: Your are told, that when you leave the damn church, that you have left your eternal life at the pearly gates. that feom hence forth you are now traveling on highway to hell with good ol' Lucifer and the other sons of predition.
proof C: WORST of all of this things, I eat it all !!! I took it all in!! I believe the lies coming from their mouths. I Believe my own lies and by God, I have never been more wrong in my life.

Mormonisme talks about free agency, but it is not what is coming across to the youth in the mormon religion, I know i was once there.

Never in my life, have i taken full responsibility for any of my actions. I would like to think that I've done so, but I reallity, I have not. Now I am so furious at my upbring, at my background in mormonisme. I never felt, that I have made so many good choice before in my life, at my own account. But not to be totally neglected, that many of my choices has led to tear drops from the person that I cherised the most in my life my wife.

In my youth and my upbring, I have been told to put everbody before myself, so I began to do just that. I did to an extend where I valued every others oppion higher then my own. I am more concerned about other peoples feeling then my own and I would go to death before I would be the cause of ane conflict ........ except ....... when it comes to my wife .... Since i can't control my own life, nor take my own ideas, values and demands in perspective, this lack of taking control of my life and the willingness to do all with in my power to appease everybody else, has now influenced my marriage. I expected my wife to just agree with me on everything. That she, too, would like to do what she could to please other people, which she still does in alot higher degree then what I have had yet to accomplish. but and there is a big but here. she doesn't do it when it comes to personal issues!! She knows how to draw the linie. If it is insulting, if it is below her values and if she has a feeling that it the people will not measure up to her demands. She don't care about other peoples feeling in that sense, that they have wronged her. Instead she is focused on procteting her most valued people in her life.

Then whay this story about my wife? well you see .. I am far from the likes of my wife. I have, in the past and up into this present time, let people step on me, tht i have led people use and missuse my trust over and over again,with out consequences and i have done so because i choose to and I felt obligated to. I admit, that I wish to set boundries for my border of protection. I wish that I can develop the nessecary tools to show the world, my wife and me that you can count on me, that my loaylty lies with those why I keep closes to my heart. and not to past events, happenings and promises. As I continue to demormonise myself and to become The man I have always dreamt about becomning